Broken parts
I’ve had a rough week, and I am hoping and praying that it gets better. My house is a total wreck, my mother in law is coming to visit on SUNDAY, I have a 10K that I don’t feel ready for, AND I have to get back on birth control. Did I mention that I also have to write 3 papers before Sunday?! I 
know that I’m usually upbeat and motivated, but I’m just not feeling it. I haven’t worked out since Tuesday, and I probably could have this morning, but I woke up at 5 and thought “what’s the point?” So I reset the alarm and went back to sleep. I realize that I’m probably depressed, since getting off birth control was a HUGE deal to me, and I feel totally and completely helpless right now. Hubs and I talked about the BC issue last night (sorry, but I’m a little bit obsessed right now) and he said that he wanted me to get back on it since he didn’t get the job he applied for. Okay, fine. Now we’re pushing the date back AGAIN. He wants to be sure that we have good insurance. Okay, I get that. I tried to tell him that there will never be a “perfect” time to have children. Other stuff always gets in the way. You’ll never have enough money, lose enought weight, have enough patience, be educated enough…it just doesn’t happen that way. When we got married he promised me that we’d be trying to have kids by the time I turn 30. That’s 2 years away, and right now, I honestly don’t know if I can deal with that. I know that it’s all going to work out, but right at this moment, I’m ready to throw up my hands, let mold grow in the sink at regain the 45 pounds that I worked SO HARD to lose. Did I mention that I started my weight loss journey because he told me that we could start trying as soon as I got below 140?! Guess what? I did it, and we’re not. I feel broken. It’s like someone ripped the carpet out from underneath me and I can’t get back up to save myself from humiliation. On top of all this happening, I have to smile, be adorable and act like life is all hunky-dory when mom gets here. GREAT. I am lost on what to do, because I’ve honestly never felt like this before. I am someone who usually sees the good in all things, and right now, I’m just seeing black. I am hoping that by writing this I’ll find some type of peace with my situation, and I pray that hubs gets how hard this is for me. I know that everything will eventually get better, but right now I could REALLY use a good distraction…maybe I should sign up for a 1/2 marathon. The training would help me lose the last 10 pounds that I want gone, and it would force me to focus on something other than my current broken state.
**In response to comments recieved**
My husband and I agreed when we got married that his education comes first, especially since I would really like to be a stay at home mom to my children. At that time, he was getting his BA. He will graduate with his Master’s in December, and then will be applying to PhD programs. I am currently finishing up my BA in Legal Arts and will graduate in April of 2010. I want to take a break before going to law school to have babies and family. After he gets his PhD, it will be my turn to do what I want, but that’s at least 4 years away. He did say that we could start trying if he gets funded (which would include insurance)…I’m just not convinced right now. First we were going to start trying in February of this year, then he changed his mind. He told me not to refill my birth control after my last pack (he NOW explains that it was because he thought that he was going to get the job, and since he didn’t…). So I’m back to birth control again, but not happy about it. He made a comment about February again, but that would be contingent on him getting a job. I am afraid to look forward to anything at this point. I know that he loves me very much and does want children, but I think he’s terrified of not having insurance (which I do understand, but right now, my baby drive doesn’t care). Also, with him getting funded for a PhD, he would have a job with the university, and I would be free to find a job that I enjoy.
I am sorry that all of this is hitting you at once. I can’t even imagine how this has been affecting you. I for one know how putting it out there will allow others to support you, and I am here to do just that. I wish I could say the magic phrase that makes sense of all of this, but unfortunately that is not true.
You are right when you say there is no “perfect time” to have kids. You will never be ready and to think you will is naive. To me it sounds like excuses may continue although I would hope he understands how this is impacting you. It sounds like having children is important to you. You seem to be making so many adjustments and life decisions based upon him… when will the time come to start letting your opinion dictate those decisions. Please let me know if I could ever be of assistance. Good luck with the race… I hope to get to that point, but it is a long way away. The race can be run a different day… maybe you should focus on the right race for you… one that may have nothing to do with running.
Keep your head up Brea, your body and emotions are just going through one of those adjustment times. Once I began exercising again, I had several “mood swings” and emotions. Your body is getting acquainted with the new fabulous you. You are right – there is never a perfect time to have children. I have 5 and none came at the perfect time…and the time still isn’t perfect. The only perfection needed is the love you & your husband have for each other and that will translate into raising well-adjusted children no matter what the circumstances.
Oh, hun. I wish I was there to hug you!! I totally know how you feel. I was in that exact spot the year before I got pregnant. My husband wanted everything perfect and was dead set on waiting until that happened. No matter what I said, he’d find some excuse to knock the wind out of my balloon. I was devastated, heartbroken, and lost. I didn’t know what else to do. I sat back and watched my friends all get pregnant, have babies, and thought it was unfair. I knew I was meant to be a mom, but didn’t know how I would get there. Hubby and I were fighting so much over it..I acutally almost gave up on our marriage all together, only 6 months in. Anyways, I got the luck of the draw (and convincing from some of our friends) and hubby agreed we’d “try, but not really try”. Well OOPS it happened VERY quickly and he was in complete shock and didn’t speak for almost half a day. LOL He eventually got over it and absolutely LOVES being a dad.
The moral of the story is…DON’T GIVE UP. You will become a mom. I have faith that all your dreams will come true. I really think he’ll come around. Some men get really scared and cold feet when it comes to babies. Maybe your hubby is like mine. Hang in there. If he doesn’t I’ll come hunt him down and knock some sense into him!! hee hee
I’m thinking of you!
Brea, my heart goes out to you. Let me share with you my story. Take from it what you will.
My husband and I had planned to wait 5 years before we had children (we were married young). I finished my BS and was working in the field, and he was on his way to being done. Then, I was told it would hard if not impossible for me to conceive, so I thought why am I on birth control (hated it!)? The next day I quit and within four months (only the three year mark)…I was puking and miserable but very happy!
It was a hard go. I had to quit my job due to my extremly hard pregnancy. I felt alone and sick all the time, but I survived. I was basically a single parent once my Aspen arrived and my husband hated being away from us so much. He worked full time during the day to provide and went to school part time in the evenings. He and I made many sacrifices on behalf of our growing family.
Since this was a surprise (however much it can be) pregnancy, life was rough for a while. With that said, I wouldn’t change a thing. My daughter was meant to come to our family at that time and taught my husband and I a great deal of life lessons. I believe you can make anything work, it just takes work. If two people are willing then you can get through come what may.
I wanted my children fairly close so when my husband graduated in 2005, my second daughter was already one. I can honestly say that life is better now that he is home in the evening. Together as we watch our third child grow, my husband has remarked how badly he wishes he were home more with the older two.
Life is hard, and it is equally as hard to get our husbands on board with our family planning sometimes. I had to force the issue the third time around, and now we are both so happy that I did. I’ll keep you in my prayers. Good luck with all your planning and try and keep your chin up!
I know where you husband is coming from with the insurance. Pregnancy is an expensive thing to go though-especially without good insurance. Then as soon as your child is born they will need insurance. My oldest ended up in the hospital at 3 weeks of age and we ended up being there for 9 weeks and then on and off for the next two months. It is hard. We were going to try for our 3rd in the beginning of the year. Then stuff happened that made us need to wait-I don’t want to have kids after 35-which is a year and a half away. So we decided to wait. Then my brother got engaged and the wedding is in August and I don’t want to be preggo for those pics-haha. So we are going to maybe try right after. We have SUPER insurance, but he is trying to get a position at work right now that pays better than the one he is in now. I am crossing my fingers. We shall see!! Hope things start looking up for you.
i hope you get to feeling better girl! you are spread so thin and do so much for so many people, I can totally understand the need to let it out every now and then!!! maybe coming off your BC has your hormones crazy too, i could never find a good BC that didn’t get me all whacked w/ my hormones, i had an mirena iud for over 2 yrs and it made me soooo emotional, so now we are just “being careful” talk about paranoia! i have been keeping track of my cycles and so far its been working for us…
you’ll have your babies one day! and you will be a wonderful mommy!!! you are such a great person, you kick @ss! i am so glad to have “met” you!! keep your head up girl!
Brea – Your friends have left wonderful advice, and I don’t have much more to add but I can completely sympathize with your pain. It’s not fair, I agree. I know you want to be able to stay home with your kids but what if you were able to work part-time to provide a little extra money? Does the university where hubby will be offer daycare? I’m just trying to add some outlets to the situation, I am 2 years from 30 as well and am so ready to have kids, I agree that there will probably never be a perfect time. I hope your husband understands how painful this is for you.